www.leongcarmen.blogspot.com

2010-11-11T18:17:00.001+08:00

however blogspot wont be deleted.

i might post something someday.

who knows. ;)

tumblr is addictive.

2010-10-27T15:48:00.002+08:00

the author right now is NOT the author.

Hi. Carmen like to send virtual hugs ALOT. In case you do not know what is a virtual hug. It means hug through msn/fb/text/bbm. For example : ''see you soon! *hugs* ''. Most of the time, she doesn't mean it. She sent the text just to make you feel better. Probably because you suck. No just kidding. Or maybe you do. *GASP* Whatever the case is, if you are not a girl, I doubt she will hug you. She also have the habit of calling her friends, hun or dear. Annnnnd you are right! She doesn't mean it if you are guy. Well, except you are her boy for real of course.

the monster under your bed.

2010-10-26T07:13:00.002+08:00

I love it when you put your hands on my back when you kiss me. It's the most magical experience. I love it when you just stare at me when we're talking. I love how I can trust you with my world. I love how you have always look after me, you've stood up for me, you always listen and understand even when I know I sound stupid. I love how you can tell just by the way I talk to you, how I am. I love how I love you. Your the only person who truly knows me. I cant wait until I see you tomorrow. Your my amazing

2010-10-24T21:59:00.003+08:00

“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other…Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.''

James Morrison - You Give Me Something

2010-10-22T00:51:00.000+08:00

"This could be nothing, but I'm willing to give it a try." - Struck me. Even though some things seem so impossible, we still have CHANCES to continue those challenges till the end and see what happens. We always tend to see the "crust" of everything that hides the "substance." As a result, we make early judgments, and therefore, it somehow abates our hope and drive to achieve what we want.

We can't make things perfect, yet we're given innumerable chances to makes things right. :)

2010-10-05T10:49:00.003+08:00

What if the ghost of your great grandpa haunted your bedroom at night?

What if I choose to stay along with you and hope you will change, will thing gets better?

What if sweat smelled like cotton candy?

What if there is no goggle translator, will I still understand what those bitches wrote about me in Facebook?

What if you stand outside your house and looked straight up for at least a year or so- would you appear on Google Earth?

What if I never cry when you hurt me, will I miss you like right now?

What if you never treat me special from others, will I fall in love with you?

You get the idea.

What if there were no what if questions, will you make the same decision?

''What ifs'' never exist, whoever combine this two words in the early centuries is a moron.

We have to go through all the goods and bads in life, but whoever go through all of it with you and see the ugly side of you, is the one. And with that person, no matter how bad thing turns out to be, it will be better and easier.

For some reason, for us university students, Parents never come into the picture when problem occurs. Friends does. At least, friends will be the first to know then parents.

I had no idea what I am ranting about because I have not sleep for 18hours. Weird sleeping hours I have.

Anyway as I was saying, stop wondering about ''what if'', make a goddamn decision and live with it, the consequences.

Bai! :D

2010-09-14T17:22:00.007+08:00

I think I have post something similar, just a couple months back. Well, what can i say, history is repeating. But um, let me.

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true. Maybe it will never be a silver Armour Prince Charming with a white horse riding in speed towards your room. Maybe it is just someone like Shrek. Or if you are lucky enough, just a normal dude running with a shinning sword. In my case my friend, a puny dude. He doesn't own a castle or a white horse. He comes with a pony and his aluminium foil.

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

When I was in primary, I studied in a Co-ed Mandarin School, Yuk Choy. I remembered there was an mid age teacher who taught English told me, '' Good things happen under the bright full moon.'' Yes, I can proudly announce and conclude, it really does.

This time when the music ends, I cried a little, not as much as I used, not as pathetic as I used too. I was determined. I still am. Actually. In fact, I should be this determine the last time. Oh well..

I am not regret. At least I enjoyed the music.

2010-09-01T18:21:00.000+08:00

Maybe one day baby, we will do this.

We lie in bed together, on top of the covers, clothes on, flipping through television channels, ordering food from room service we will finish eating in the morning, after we wake, bleary, uncertain of the city, uncertain of the beige pink walls, the cold marble floor, how we’ve moved to hold each other in our sleep. We are not these incantations written on message boards, names attached to more meaning than stone. We are people, as difficult and as holy as everyone else

Perfect Weekend

2010-08-25T15:12:00.004+08:00

I adore the smell of the rain. Especially when its on a Sunday morning. You feel so cold and you just want to cuddle yourself under your blanket. For a moment it feels like all your worries and problems are all gone.

Then when it's time to get back to reality, you called your best friend.

The both of you sit in a car. And you drive. Long drive. Heading no where. And what you and your best friend does is just talk. You talk about life. Catching up after months in uni.

For a few hours you keep driving and you found out small secrets about your friend.

In the end, you drive to a place where the both of you used to have supper. Order the same food.

Trust me, you are gonna like that feeling. :)

I hate the thought of guys watching porn

2010-08-25T12:19:00.003+08:00

I know almost or all guys knows how a girl’s body is, but that isn’t a bit comforting. That makes me feel insecured and self conscious. I feel like they fantasize about how a girl’s body should be.Sometimes, guys have that thought that pretty girls don't fart or poo or burp. They think those barbie are so perfect. With no photoshop-ed whatsoever. Those porn chicks willing to pose in various disgusting figures and guys expect most girls out there to do the same too. First of all, not all girl are into tasting your cum. Girls in reality, or at least most girls I know want their sex life to be called as making love instead of having sex. We love a long and easy and passionate session with the man we love. Not by just plainly fuck and there you go honey. We love long hugs and cuddles after when its all done.

All or most girls that are on these porn sites, have big boobs; I don’t have that voluptuous body like those girls.It makes me feel like I’m not enough in my own skin, and I should just hide under layers of clothes. Then again, why would I want to be with a guy who wants big boobs and a big butt? If physical attributes are the only reason a guy comes onto me, that’s ridiculous. I don’t want a relationship or anything to be base solely on physical attraction.

Plus, porn is down right degrading on girls. The way girl presents themselves are sickening and if its what guys want. Then, fuck yourself guys.

post inspired by tumblr

to the boss of Fossil.

2010-08-24T22:37:00.011+08:00

For some reason, recently, I have developed interests in things like

domo kun

leathery stuff. old stuff.

bleached skinny jeans.

VINTAGE STUFF <3

my new love.

would like to marry the boss of Fossil. :)

I can't stand much.

2010-08-24T16:42:00.003+08:00

Okay, this is gonna a straight forward and honest post.

Semester 1 is almost over and I've came to realize that, flirting seems to be the most '''in'' thing for single girls and guys.

I don't mean in facebook or reality.

Its text messages and msn for goodness sake. And in the world i knew if its these? Some girls will somehow keeps talking among themselves and it spreads and in most cases, I saw it happening right next to me.

The guy will say : oh...... baby........ i miss you veri much 2day.....neva see ur face 2day....

The girl will say : baby~~~ lol.

I freaking swear this conversation is real.

First of all, what irritates me the most is the spelling and secondly, is the ellipsis. Like why in the world do you need that? Why are you taking so many pauses? Do you really pronounce ''ever'' as ''eva'' in reality, or closer, when you see that girl?

Call me stereotype or whatever.

I can bet those who type like this most probably are typical Chinese educated.

Mind you, I said most probably.

GAH.

escape from reality.

2010-08-12T07:23:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I learned a alot about blessing and love. As a matter of fact, I got some pretty strong confirmation from Him about this relationship, or at least I hope it is. :)

1) I met this guy called Daniel. It wasnt really the first encounter with him, I saw him during Arise Conference but we never talk to each other until last evening. I had dinner with him before the Hillsong concert and he told me about his life, his job, his testimonials. And I told him the problems I had here in Kampar and my long distant relationship. He is 30 years old. Things he advised me was something no one else ever did. He opened my eyes in a lot of details I never truly pay attention.

2) After the concert, I had a deja-vu. I used to hang out with Gideon, Sam and Bf in Mcd at late night and talk about life and i miss those time, its been almost a year since we actually sit down and talk to each other. I guess the concert brought us back together. Last night, Gideon, Sam, Sharon, me and some others were back there again. We never talk about life. We catch up about life. We laughed. We had fun. I miss sitting in Gideon's car just to talk. :)

3) I met up with Sherene and the rest of the youths too. Before the concert, I actually send them all a message telling them I miss studying with them and they felt the same way too. John even suggested we should meet up. After/during the seminar, I manage to a casual conversation with Sherene and a hug, its been a while.

4) As I thought I was having a great time, reality catches up. The people wanted to redo our presentation. Mood was totally spoilt lo. wth. I just want to escape from all these dramas and back to my life where people actually know me rather than all this bull. just one freaking day. why so hard. -.-

kiddie snack we cant forget.

2010-08-07T22:33:00.006+08:00

was blog hopping in tumblr. and i found something i missed very much.

Haw Flakes

What it is: Those yummy tart discs of a Chinese fruit called hawthorn. It comes in rolls of seventeen discs.

Why we loved it: We used to play first communion with them with everyone taking turns being the “priest” and receiver of the haw flakes. And it was impossible to just have one.

White Rabbit

What it is: Creamy, white, chewy candy that’s wrapped in what looks like waxed paper (it’s really an edible thin strip of “paper” made from sticky rice).
Why we loved it: It was always a thrill to be able to eat the “paper” along with the candy. The wrapper didn’t really taste like anything, but eating it made us feel like rebels so we ate it anyway.

Iced Gems

What it is: Bite-sized biscuits with differently colored icing on top. Each piece looked like a cute, mini masterpiece.
Why we loved it: It’s one of those classic baon foods that you and your friends would share. Some people liked eating the biscuit first and saving the icing for later (some ate it by color, too!). What was your Iced Gem eating style?
( Boyfriend used to buy a big box of it and deliver to my place. He will make sure its all green icing because i love green. *cry out loud* where the fuck are you boyfriend?! )

Horlicks

What it is: Small, tablet-like candies made from malt and chocolate that most likely inspired the creation of Ovalteenies.

Why we loved it: You know how—when no one was looking—you used to like eating Milo chocolate powder straight from the tin? That’s what eating Horlicks was like.

2010-08-07T21:39:00.004+08:00

Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains that we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else; makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anaesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it... and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain

can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to

fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it, and life always makes more.

thats my domo kun!

Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say because there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

My inspiration

2010-07-31T22:49:00.002+08:00

I am mad. Really. Really Really mad.

I got so mad, I had Maggi, box of grapes, yogurt, Oreo, chocolates and fishball noodles all at once.

I got so mad, I had Sharon to call me and pour my tension to her.

I got so mad, I had Tiffany to fetch me out early to talk.

Then I remember a book I read last year.

An excerpt from the book - Tuesday with Morrie, which related to imagery, was what

Morrie referred to as detachment. As he was recovering from a violent coughing spell, he began to explain to Mitch the ability to detach yourself from your emotions. He believed that experiencing life and the emotions that go along with each situation were very important. Morrie explained to Mitch that it was necessary to experience and feel your emotions fully rather than ignore them or pretend that they don't exist as so many of us do. This is more fully explained in an excerpt from pg. 105:

" Morrie's approach was exactly the opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, "All right, it's just fear, I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is." "Same for loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely-but eventually be able to say, "All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I'm going to experience them as well."

When Morrie detaches himself from his emotions, he is not simply ignoring and blocking them, but experiencing them fully as well as separating himself from them so that they will not control him. In this sense at least he can slightly escape the fear of his emotions without fully ignoring them. Morrie did not want to leave the world through a violent coughing spell, instead he wanted to understand what was happening to him, find acceptance in it, and be able to let go in a peaceful manner.

“Take any emotion - love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I’m going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions - if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them - you can never get to being attached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, ‘All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognise that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.’” - Tuesdays with Morrie, pp. 103-104

So yea! I stopped being mad. I am gonna experience more emotions. I won't let fools to ruin my day. and i should probably change the colour of my blog to dull, black or something since most of my post are all emo, sad, mad, etc. =/

boyfriend is no Snuffleupagus kay.

2010-07-24T16:29:00.004+08:00

How long should I be such an optimistic person and have all the positive thoughts regarding this relationship? I am not saying that long distant relationship couldn't work. I am saying it sucks to be in one. I am tired.

My roommate asked me all the time, why I always sent emails, why I always draw and cross the date on my calendar, why I this, why I that. She kept asking me the same thing simply because I couldn't give her the answer she wants. I don't even know the answer myself.

That night right after the minor car accident, I wanted to call him and tell him immediately. But I couldn't. He is somewhere near Japan. He is not near any islands therefore he couldn't get the signal. I got so frustrated, I bang my door and cried so loud. So bloody loud until all my freaking housemates heard me and assume I was being traumatized by the accident.

No, its not okay. I cried because I hit the point where I am tired of being tough in front of everyone. Tired of working things out for someone else. Tired of studying. Tired of everything. I am frustrated and I need him to be there and he couldn't. But I really don't bother explaining it to all of them. For a second, I could feel that they thought my boyfriend was just a Snuffleupagus. For those who doesn't know what is a Snuffleupagus or never watch Sesame Street. (which is so sad of you ), it is a character from Sesame Street and for many years, Big Bird was the only character on the show who could see Mr. Snuffleupagus. The main adult characters teased Big Bird when he said he had seen the Snuffleupagus, because they did not believe there was such an animal. This concept was meant to echo the existence of imaginary friends some young children have.

the two brown-elephant-look-alike are Snuffleupagus.

And for all I could ever lie for, a million thousand things. Definitely not Bryan but then again I really don't bother to explain at that moment.

I deleted some intimate pictures we both took and posted in facebook and no, intimate does not mean nudity. It was because I found out that Utar checks every students' profile and blogs and twitters and myspace and friendster and every freaking social networking sites. Even big companies does that too, who knows my future boss might be looking at my words and photos and etc. Serious shit okay.

The worst thing is, this is Bryan's career. He might continue working on the ship, sailing to all over the world, earning a ~~mountain~~ tiny hill of ~~golden bars~~ cash and I could be Siu Lai Lai. But then again, I might be all alone without my husband. WTF la. God, please give me the strength. In fact, give us the strength to make it through.

By the way, it's 101 more than till his return. ( yes i am serious about counting the date. f)

2010-07-24T11:17:00.001+08:00

2010-07-20T07:45:00.002+08:00

Sometimes when you’re young, you think nothing can hurt you. It’s like being invincible. Your whole life is ahead of you, and you have big plans. Big plans. To find your perfect match. The one that completes you. But as you get older, you realize it’s not always that easy. It’s not until the end of your life that you realize how the plans you made were simply plans. At the end, when you’re looking back instead of forward, you want to believe that you made the most of what life gave you. You want to believe that you’re leaving something good behind. You want it all to have mattered.

2010-07-20T07:43:00.004+08:00

There were many who couldn’t understand, and sometimes she walked among them. But even in her darkest hours, she knew in her heart, that someday it would return to her. And her world would be whole again. And her belief in god and love and art would be reawakened in her heart

2010-07-20T07:43:00.001+08:00

Albert Camus once wrote, “Blessed are the hearts that can bend. They shall never be broken.” But I wonder…. If there’s no breaking, then there’s no healing. And if there’s no healing, then there is no learning. And if there’s no learning, then there’s no struggle. But the struggle is a part of life, So must all hearts be broken ?

2010-07-16T17:07:00.002+08:00

I should post something. Its been a while. I've been busy. Really busy. I look like Amy Winehouse pre-rehab. My hair is messy, all the time. My purse is empty, most of the time. I barely have time to sleep. I do, however have time to eat though. It sucks. I sucks. I am fat.

I felt a bee on my lips the other night, I was so lucky my mouth were shut tight. It was like a bee-war that night. Scares the shit outta me. Bees flying everywhere. The worst part was the freaking bee hive was just opposite my house. The bomba people were here. Some crazy dudes were there too, to take photos. -.- And I hate bees. I got stung when I was form 4, on my pinky. So yea.

I was so busy, I barely have time to mend my broken friendship with two people. Its been a while. I should do something about it. The dreaded silent is coming back to haunt me. But then again, it is not my fault. One break her promise made towards me, she never apologizes nor talk to me and I really don't see the point of approaching her first because she take her guy friends more serious than me. Another one, she was being herself. Her typical sense of HERSELF. I had enough of toleration. She is stubborn and inconsiderate and most probably she is having her period too. And I am complaining about everybody and everything here. I AM SO SICK OF TRYING HARD TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY OKAY. BECAUSE I AM NOT EVEN HAPPY MYSELF! I AM SO TIRED OF TRYING TO BE HAPPY. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, IF YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF MY LIFE, PLEASE JUST LEAVE. I DON'T REALLY CARE ANYMORE NOW.

'' ask her to come and talk to you after one year, when she grow up. '' , Keeran.

Oh yes, you are so right! I am so pissed and tensed and I fucking need to study.

2010-07-04T14:24:00.003+08:00

The cutest character in Toy Story 3.

The only thing that 'impressed' me the most - THE FEE OF THE MOVIE TICKETS FOR TWO in 3D. =/

Uh. Tagged.

2010-07-03T10:03:00.002+08:00

It's been a while since I actually do the tag thingy.LOL. I am ''overloaded'' with the journal writing, Sociology notes and English and Econs in which all have to be ''judged'' next week. Test. Assignment. It feels worst that SPM. I need a time out yo!! So here you go. :) tag from tiffany

Top ten boyfriend/girlfriend criteria

10. He listens. When words come out of my mouth, does he actually pay attention to what is being said, or does his brain just process mumbling sounds while he stare at my boobs? A good boyfriend is an active listener, meaning he asks questions and doesn't just sit there, waiting for his turn to speak.
Check list : *tick*

9. Unpredictable.A great relationship is one that never feels stale.
Check list : Since boyfriend is off the radar these few days because he is on that bloody ship and somewhere off Kobe island and i dont know whether he is alive or dead. oh well. *tick* =/

8. Nice ass and teeth. Very important. :)
Check list : *tick*

7. Confident. Retain his personality, stand by his opinions, and don't give in too easily. Show me that you are strong, confident, and have a spine.
Check list : THATS WHY WE ALWAYS ARGUE LA! wtf.

6. Notice the details. Remember what outfit I wore the first time we meet. Shed a few pounds.Bought a new dress. Words spoken.
Check list : * big tick* its scary sometimes though =/

5. Trust. Part of that entails giving me the freedom to have a life separate from his without asking 20 questions or having jealous fits, and knowing that i'm not taking his trust for granted. Inform me whenever he meet/talk/text/call a girl friend. vise verse...
Check list : *tick/smiley face* ...to prevent unnecessary fight.

4. Make me feel safe.
Check list : uh...

3. NO B.O & bad breath. PLEASE. Its a HUGE turn off.
Check list : *tick multiple times*

2.Can actually do things instead of pretending like he knows or pure talking no actions.
Check list : *tick* still counts if its ''sometimes'' right. lol.

1. Keep each other happy. What it all boils down to is making me feel good about myself and appreciating me in an unselfish way; find success in this department, and i'll will love you eternally (hahaha).
Check lis : *TICK* <3

Class politics.

2010-06-24T19:09:00.005+08:00

The cool people find each other. The smart people find each other. Me and all the other in-between artsy people realise we'd better join forces and make the best of it.
Gossips and rumours seems so real, are gossips and rumours in the end of the day either. It gets more convincing when words are spread from the lips of the influential individual. And when the false news lingered around for long, it became the truth. Its human nature not to find out the truth before passing on too, we are lazy and we believe our friends wholeheartedly. It sucks, to get involve in the class politics. It does. It kills you softly. And you end up crying everyday, you lose the excited feeling of going to Uni.
I stood up. I went to the Director and the Dean. I deal. I survive. I grow up and build a life. And I remember, these big/little hardships, they make you Human. Even the hard times are part of your life story. If you acknowledge them and move past them, they eventually add up to the experience that makes you wise.
Eventually, we become what we experience.

Its been awhile since I actually posted something that involve my life. I stop blogging for that period of time because those were the time where I was at the downhill.

There is something I should clarify too. I Love Bryan Chan. I love him with all I could. If you ask me, why love now. I don't think I can explain. My heart knows the truth but hasn't told my brain. Friends and family who are close to me saw how broken my heart was when he left for his job. They didn't see the good things he did for me. So.. dear assholes, zip you big mouth and quit the rumours.

Because it's only when you're tested, that you truly discover who you are.

2010-05-28T17:40:00.005+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if anything is absolute anymore. Is there still right or wrong? Good and bad? Truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable, left to interpretation, making grey exist between white and black?

Sometimes we are forced to bend the truth. Transform it.

Because we are faced with things that are not of our own making. And baby, sometimes things catch up to us no matter how hard you avoid them.

You know, once in a while people step up. Simply rise above themselves. Sometimes they suprise you. Sometimes they fall short. Life is funny sometimes, it can push you hard but if you look close enough and pray you find hopes from the eyes of someone you loved, the rays from sunrise, for me, its the bars of a song.

When you love a song, you put it on repeat. You never get bored of it for a really long time. Even the all sad songs aren't so sad. Even all the bad song ain't so bad. When it ends, you wish there was so much more than that.

Because it's only when you are tested, that you truly discover who you are. And it's when you are tested, you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist, somewhere in the other side of hard work and faith, belief and beyond the HEARTACHE and fear what life has become.

I guess I was never homesick. I found myself there. I know what I want and who I want to be.

Most of all, who I want to be with and who I miss the most.

2010-05-21T20:11:00.002+08:00

Joseph Conrad once wrote: 'Who knows what true happiness is, not the conventional word.. but the naked terror. To the lonely themselves, that wears a mask, the most miserable outcast hugs some memory.. or some illusion.'

And Hansel said to Gretel, 'Let us drop these breadcrumbs... so that together we find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things.' This year.. I lost my way.

And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But, losing your reason for the journey... is a fate more cruel.

The journey lasted eleven months. Sometimes I traveled alone, sometimes, there were others who took the wheel -- and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn’t me who arrived...it wasn't me at all.

And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be... or lose that person completely.

Because, sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been. And remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are.

Stephen King once wrote: 'Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away.. and in the end.. there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometime we lose them there again'

I will leave to Kampar and will never be back to Ipoh for the next few months, or at least until I feel numb.

2010-04-16T11:20:00.005+08:00

I removed my gigantic mole on my cheek. Its always been a (bad) way for acquaintance to remember. So i have decided to take it off me!

I went to my mom's friend's clinic to do the surgery - Dato' Dr Guna, Guna Plastic and Cosmetic Surgery in Fair Park. It cost me Rm200. Well, I buy his name and his certs and a guarantee rather than those in Ipoh Parade/ Night Market having a chinese apek to touch you face and do it with a knife and needle right?

Because I am using laser, I have to lie on something black, square and flat to prevent radioactive and the whole surgery was such a big deal for a mole removal! Mom have to sign papers and i need to get 2 jabs of numb injections. =.= And there are also those operation theater lights!

The room was something like this. Its not the surgery that scares me, its the place!

It smells like sotong bakar when the laser n me. Really.

Anyway, the process lasted for 15minutes and TaDAAA!

Give me few weeks time! It will be gone!! :)

add note : notice the smaller mole next to the scar? The Dr said its cute and he refuse to remove it. =.= yea.

2010-03-30T15:40:00.002+08:00

naw naw, focus on the handle of the keris.
looks like your stool huh?!~ :)

How To Make a Cherry Blossom - Sakura

2010-03-21T16:00:00.025+08:00

You need the following items : - Scissors, pencil and a equal-sized paper.

Fold the paper into half.
Fold to make a crease and fold back

Fold to make a crease and fold back.

Fold backwards and draw, then cut with scissors

Straighten the folding
Flip it over and da DAAA...

Source from :- Sushi King Bits and Bites for 2010. :)

happy folding.

2010-03-08T14:14:00.010+08:00

I'VE PASSED MY DRIVING BABY!

well, my driving instructor talks a lot. He always compared driving to us living on earth, which are not related sometimes. And yes, with my impatient character, i did asked him to hush.

okay. i get this picture from My Milk Toof and i do not ride a bike. But they are just adorable! and yea, my driving sucks. Really.

After a constant 5days of waking up at 6am to learn until 9am. :) I can speed like a mad women without fear! :) alright, i drive as the instructor asked okay. But, during my test, there was is Malay tester and he scolded me for driving too slow. And so i SPEED to 100km/h on Tambun road. :)

He was quiet all the way and i feel good.... man, i like the look of his face. :)

I passed and still alive :) BITE ME!

p/s : Read - http://www.raisegodsroof.com/index.php/2009/07/if-god-is-our-copilotwheres-he-gonna-sit/

2010-02-27T11:45:00.003+08:00

Ning Yang means deer horn is mandarin. Some heartless typical China man believes that drinking powdered deer horn can cool ones body. Maybe its true, maybe its not. What I think, if you are hot, GET A COLD ICY SHOWER and STAY OUT OFF THE WOODS!!

My father saw this product selling at rm1.50 at Simee Market, he decided to give it a try. And well, a sip for curious me. It tasted like Barley water and no, it does not cool me down from you stupid hunter that kill deer!

My Valentine & CNY & Clubbing & Farewell.

2010-02-19T08:55:00.005+08:00

3 pubs per night and two days straight. wooots! cheers baby!

2010-02-11T13:24:00.000+08:00

boo!

credits ; Tongue in Chic

first experience -to the police station

2010-02-09T13:10:00.006+08:00

my father had a minor accident with this old ah pek who is on a bike. he is 76 apparently and still can ride a bike, and SPEED!

my father was on the way back home after work, he was on the main road turing in a junction to our housing area. the main road was jammed, as usual. a kind hearted man happens to stop his car and give way to my father and so he turned in, while he was making a turn, a bike speed up from the side of the kind hearted man's car and hit on to the front of my father's car. and well....

father send him to the Fatimah Hospital and paid for his medical bill which cost up to rm300. ah pek's left leg ligament was torn, thats all. he called all his family member to the hospital. his bibi, his kak long, his bibi number two, his extended family members too, to talk to my dad.

10 vs 1 ar?

father wanted me to follow him to the police station to make a police report, just in case the ah pek's family sue him. we went to sungai senam polis station and they told us to go to old town police station to make a traffic report, it seems that, every police station handle different case. we went to old town and enquire and they direct us to the HQ, near the railway station. =.=

we are making a report here alright, you brownies think we are so free driving here and there to sign the damn form?! we paid your salary, helloo??

the HQ exterior was clean. but the interior? smells alot like cigarettes and playing some malay jazz song. we had to go to three different parts of the building to make the report. my father could not speak well in malay and so i did, as if i am the one who had an accident.

not fun at all.

the entire building consisted only 8 malay cop and 1 chinese. ( i was bored waiting for my turn )
its a bloody headquarter la yo.

we have to take picture of our car as a proof and so one of the cop followed us to the car park and start taking pictures. i expect something more professional like SLR camera but no, digital ones.

ugh.

i am an angry bitch now.

2010-01-31T14:49:00.002+08:00

♥love♥

2010-01-30T23:07:00.004+08:00

You know in every family there will be a drunken uncle on the dining table and a talkative aunty with over wear jewelries? How you force yourself to attend every family gathering just so that others will have good impression on you and your family?

*sniff my hand*

Crabtree & Evelyn is good! =D

ANYWAY, you know when you say something smart and correct a mid-age women who are experiencing menopause, she tend to revenge on you whenever she got a tiny winny chance, it so much fun seeing her try hard to cross the line and trigger my temper. LOL

I caught her leaving mean comments about me and my friends to my mom, one day when she came for a visit. I leave my laptop on and interupt their conversation. ( Well, or should i say HER conversation? mom is obviously on my side! ) I somehow told her I can listen to her sweet voice from my room. ( I did it so politely okayy. I did not hurt her feelings okayy ) She quickly end it and drove off.

Was I being rude to interrupt or was I not supposed to defend myself and my friends from those harsh words from the delicate mouth of hers? Does she have the utmost right to say about me and my friends? Afterall I only see her for a few times a year. I dont think her even know the school I studied in. Or my age. Oh wait she is an respectful accountant in Taiko Plantation! No wonder so calculative! I think she know my age precisely!

She tried so hard to embarrass me. Poor thing. But someone older than you helped me. Maybe I will consider doing that myself the next time.

2010-01-22T16:06:00.003+08:00

The Dreams~
(its 3.45pm by the way)

Jessie says:
hey dude
guess what
Carmen =) says:
what
Jessie says:
i just wake up
Carmen =) says:
cheh
i know
Jessie says:
i had the craziest dream!!!
Carmen =) says:
tell!
me too!
Jessie says:
you were in it
hahahaha
its like rojak you know...
the place is in school (primary standard 6)
Carmen =) says:
tell all
Jessie says:
ok
then we have to attend something about killing mutants
hahaha and i was a mutant myself
so we were doing our "homework" then got 1 guy like me
but he very ugly
haha then they like have a school like xmen you know
for mutants
and i was like protecting them
Carmen =) says:
hahaahahaah
can i post this in my blog?
Jessie says:
what a weird dream
Carmen =) says:
i post my dream too!
Jessie says:
yea sure sure
Carmen =) says:
i dreamt about i didnt sit for my spm!
bm paper!
Jessie says:
then? fail?
Carmen =) says:
then all my teeth dropped
then moral paper, i didnt study nilai
i fainted
Jessie says:
hahaaha
at least your very realistic!
mine like really weird
i dont remember all but this is part of what i remember
Carmen =) says:
its cool!
Jessie says:
and i remember got ppl attacking the special school
and i was flying away trying to save myself then i turn back and help the lil ones
and i brought 3 of them with me
2 girls and a boy
1 teen girl, 1 about 12 year old boy, and 1 lil girl
hahahhahaah
and when v try to run away, me and the teen girl got captured
the other 2 escaped
Carmen =) says:
where am i then?
your dream is long !!
Jessie says:
in the class with me learning how to kill mutants
where else i am one but no one knew
Carmen =) says:
hahaha
nice
Jessie says:
yea its long cause i sleep then wake up
sleep back then wake up again
i wake up few times adi!
weird dream
too bad Jensen wasn't in it
Carmen =) says:
i lost all my teeth you know!!!
Jessie says:
hahaha how come?
Carmen =) says:
i woke up and touch my teeth you know!
i dont know!
Jessie says:
hahahahahahahahahaha you ate too much sweets
Carmen =) says:
dont know.
Jessie says:
lol funny
you actually check your teeth
LMAO
Carmen =) says:
yea ka
la*
Jessie says:
hahaha scared you eh?
Carmen =) says:
VERY!

2010-01-19T14:43:00.025+08:00

Dad was offered a free room in Resort Hotel Genting Highlands due to his regular visits and he gained points in his Genting Casino World Card. My dad and those aunties in KL had planned another trip on the 17-19th February! I am required to appear myself again, but hell no baby, it my 18th birthday and you want me to celebrate there? I can already imagine what will about to happen. I have been going there very year for goodness' sake! Ever since I am 17 months old until 17years old, every year! Deng.

Anyway this time only mom and dad are going, so I followed as well. And Oh dad got two free tickets for the Dazzle :) it was quite okay. not fantastic or brilliant or awesome, just okay. The dancers was wearing some quite appealing costume and the row in front of me was all men. The hall was full also. During the show, a few men wearing skinny jeans walking towards to loo. Coincidentally our seat was near the toilet entrance and so, it was very disturbing. I realized that there was two guys who constantly entering the toilet and so I got curious and stare at their jean's zip when they passed by me. DAMN. Now I know why, visiting the toilet so often!

Mom and dad went to the casino a couple of times and I ended up in Starbucks and Coffee Bean and even the hotel lobby to suft the net. Bored not?! I walk around alone and snapped some photos though :)

its not about the light, its the women at corner.

this are plastic boobs from China

very pretty Old English Design. Was surfing at lobby

mom & dad

caramel sweet

i went to work as soon as i reached ipoh :(

2010-01-10T12:25:00.003+08:00

I browse random blogs often, people i do not know. I've came to noticed that almost all the blogs I've come across, they posted about their emotional hurts, about how not satisfied they are, how much they've gone through in their life, how people annoyed them. No matter how you label yourself, even as an enthusiastic blogger.

Last night, I went to Kin Meng's house warming. He is my cousin brother at my mother's side. It is shame to admit this- I only get to meet/hang out/eat/talk/get updates from relatives from my mother's side few times or less in a year and subsequently, we are not close. Sometimes, I had to think twice(their names) before greeting them.

Anyway, when I arrived his house, it was quite late. No much people were left. Mom was rather excited seeing her sisters gathered and yanked, she hurried and stand next to then table and start asking predictable questions. Mom and dad helped themselves with the buffet. And I settled myself on the table with my Aunties and Uncles. I was quite reluctant to come for the house warming as I know, I will not have much fun there compared to my usual Saturday night routine, church service at 8 and Private Practice at 10pm and all the way movies until 12am. Who doesn't like lying on their couch and watch their favorite drama series. Right Right Right. hm.

Once I lay my arse on the chair, one particular auntie who sat across me raised her voice : '' eh kahmun, you are working where now? ''. I fell rather rude to answer back when with my sitting position across her and so I pulled a chair and sat next to her. Her golden ''H''-alphabet pendant was my savior, her make up was overdo. Not too long after that, her daughter, who is 4 years younger than me, came and sat behind her mom. Following by, Aunty Judy's daughter as well. She is 16 this year. I thought it was quite time-passing talking to them when my parents was touring the new house.

We have the common ladies talk and it goes to ''fashion'' subject. The auntie with the golden ''H''-alphabet pendant was commenting about her church's youth, girls wore shorts for youth meeting. She was not pleased by shorts it seems. Ironically, I was wearing my favorite P&Co black shorts! She said '' Girls who wear shorts are so sexy, they ''open'' *distanced both her palm and roughly show a length* their pretty legs for mosquitoes and men'' . I caught a quick glimpse at her daughter, she was wearing a polo tee and jeans, she buttoned up all the buttons on her shirt. Imagine it folks! =/ Anyway, I quickly put a statement to defense myself, '' It 9.30pm and I don't see any air cond out here, I am sweating and I can protect myself from pedophile, no, men okay.'' I end my line with a polite smile to avoid being rude.

I was quite pissed at that moment honestly. P&Co is not a pariah and cheap brand you see in Ipoh Parade. They do not sell bright green/yellow/red really short shorts. And no, my shorts is not so short until my panty or my butt crack can be seen. and Men should control your thoughts too. hmpf.

2010-01-07T15:46:00.005+08:00

i can get really upset when friends do not care about their next step after SPM. I will transform to a mother in a second. hm. Seriously I wonder why aren't their parents worried about it? They don't even attend any education fair. And my dad is like the total opposite, he finds help from his friends about about all these and sometimes it is very embarrassing. It is like he can get help in various subjects because he makes a lot of friends in his Echo Community Paper. hm. Not good. He get ways to make me to work in jobs i don't like. He get to learn knowledge in laptop and decide to get a laptop i do not like. hm. Not good.

I will start working tonight in a clinic near my house. Bethany Clinic. He pays me Rm10 for two hours. I only have to work for two hours a day. Pays quite well huh. My interview with the doctor was kinda funny. He chat with me, regarding college and story books! Yes storybook! haha. And he even want to borrow Mitch Albom books from me :) He is a very..um..faithful christian? You can see from the way he decorate his clinic. Proverbs verses on the wall. Pictures of Jesus and the Cross.

I went to UTAR in kampar again. For the fourth time. hm. I do not like the university at all at first. I always had this dream of studying psychology in HELP since when I am in primary. I really am interested. Don't ask me why I like. Really. Almost everybody who asked giggled/laughed when I answered them. IT IS VERY RUDE OKAY! ARSE! and my dad is not excluded, he teased. When I come to realize that my family does not have enough to support my entire fee in HELP, I was devastated. I actually went to all HELP educational fair in Ipoh. In Syuen and in Heritage hotel. I keep thinking my life of studying psychology in HELP. It was plain childish until my cousin sister, Yit Wei, called and talked to me, scolded actually. lol. Then it was like a big drum dropped and my dream was gone. The next day, my dad was told that UTAR was having an Open Day, and so he decided to fetch me there and prove to me, I am wrong. UTAR was never once crossed my mind. It was quite okay the first time being there. The heritage building was like KL Pavillion. no no. The newly built building. I don't know what building is that and what for. hm. Then I went there the second time, to check the houses out. Basically all the new houses you see in UTAR area was owned by UTAR itself. It was WOW. Huge. And i smell freedom hahaha. I asked one of the indian lecturer about what sorts of entertainment i can expect here, she answered me '' OH YOU CAN WATCH THE COW IN THE MAIN ROAD. '' Not farnee lo. And I found Meng Ying as my roommate. I went there the third time for more inquiry and today was the fourth, I went there with Auntie Susan and her son, Aaron. He showed me the whole campus. What is what and where is where. He went chatted with a guard and he told me the guard said '' KALAU KAWAN NAK APA BAGI TAU SAYA, KAWAN AWAK, KAWAN SAYA JUGAK'' So lame right. Well, Aaron studied foundation in UTAR kampar for a year and continue his civil engineering course in KL. So he made lots of friends and connection in Kampar. He told me that the guard helped him in ''illegal'' stuff in UTAR, as in letting his car in even he is without the permission sticker. It changes my ways of judging a lot. UTAR is actually not bad, when your dream got crashed, UTAR is a life-saver. hmmm.

Look at my previous post and previous previous post and previous previous previous post. So short and ...you-know. One thing, I didnt go for the ''Actor wanted'' thingy in the medicine school. because nobody called me, I expect CALLS. Arent actress supposed to do so? Like tarik harga or something. okay it was a joke.

2009-12-22T13:29:00.001+08:00

and so they reply.

2009-12-19T10:55:00.014+08:00

'' It's a crime you let it happen to me
Never mind, I'll let it happen to you
Out of mind, forget it there's nothing to lose
but my mind and all the things I wanted ''

Believe it or not, my legs do trembles and i can barely breathe whenever I mention Bryan to my father. I fear that, he will say unkind words. I have to find a chair, a comfortable one to rest myself before I began my explanations. A chair that will not swallow my confident. A chair I feel that it is hugging me.

''Everytime I get it I throw it away
It's a sign, I get it, I wanna stay
by the time I lose it I'm not afraid
of looking at you truly fake it''

Those accusation. Nobody's friend. He said, or should I use the word, cursed me that I will fail my SPM and he claims that Psychology is a subject that I can never cope up with because I am not as smart as his friend's children. He snigger when I told him about the course I always had a dream on that since I know what it is all about. He bring shame onto me in front relatives. Saying if I can ever score straight A's, the sun will never appear in human eye. I will not score that much because I was never the daughter he wanted me to became. I am not having his-friend-son's-brain. I am just average.

'' How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me
You're the part of me that I don't wanna see
Forget it
Forget it
Forget it...''

I don't want to be a rebellious daughter. You are lucky that I am not doing drugs. Heading to the pub. Or selling myself. I have dignity that I can preserve as far as I can make wise decisions. I have not open my palm in front of your face and beg for allowance. I never ask you for money. I use coins from my England lemon cookies tin. I bring Gardenia to school. I save money for story books and clothes. Ever since you are retired, you put your worries and pressure onto me, as if I do not have mine.

''There's a place I see you follow me
Just a taste of all that might come to be
I'm alone but only breath you can breathe
to question every answer counted''

Where is the loving father I used to have? The one who take me to the movie every weekend. The one who will surprise me with diamond and gold pendant on my every birthday. Or at least the one who will listen to me when I speak. I miss those little things we used to share.
Please father, do not shout anymore. To me, to mom or to grandma.

''Just fade away
Please me let me stay
Coming your way
Forget it
Forget it
Forget it.... ''

I will and I am praying hard and with all my heart that I will be able to get 5 credits in SPM. Although I have numerous friends that ensure me I will get. Edmund said failing is harder than getting credits. I am just lack of confidence or maybe it is the curse you have made. I don't know. Everything is getting harder. I can't even answer a phone call or reply a text whenever you are around. I have to put my phone into silent mode ever since. Father, I can't breathe.

''It's a crime you let it happen to me
Out of mind, I love it, easy to please
Nevermind, forget it, just memories
All the pain inside a spiral notebook''

You yelled saying you are god and everything you say is correct. I have to obey.

''Just fade away
Please let me stay
Coming your way
I can live forever here
Forget it
Forget it
Forget it...''

You hate Bryan. I understand it very well. I asked you why. You said there was no reason, and stressed again that you are god. You refused to let me attend my church. You refused to let me do things my way. I am 17. I understand that I am always your daughter and I will beneath your wings until you died. All I want you to know is that, eventually, I will be leaving this family and start a family of my own. Or simple leave this town. I don't know. I can't see the future. Have you ever came across your mind that the more you object me and Bryan, the more I will find ways to sneak out and when you found out you labelled me- '' A Liar'' . Bryan does not smoke, Bryan is not a loser, Bryan is not a sex maniac and his is certainly not a paedophile, he is just 17.
It is just that he is not as perfect as you want him to be. Mom and his parents are fine with us. Why are you not? I don't know whether how long we will last. But for right now, I need him. I need him when I go to college, to help me emotionally. He can provide me love that no one else can.

''How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me
You're a part of me that I don't wanna see
I can live forever here''

*****
Please be noted that is a emotional confession page.
Not a pathetic girl who try to get sympathy and attention.
And I am certainly NOT criticizing my father 'web-ly'
The words under quotation marks and ellipisis are from Forget it by Breaking Benjamin.

and to you, ''bestfriend'', reconciliation is awkward.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE MAN I LOVE, BRYAN CHAN KHAI SHIEN.=3

2009-12-16T20:25:00.006+08:00

[[I am interested with the recent email i had received. I just finish my SPM and is currently waiting for my result.
I would like to participate as a 'patient' in your forthcoming Medical Programme to be held in Royal College of Medicine Perak.

Particulars of myself
Name : Leong Kah Mun
Age: 17
Gender: Female
School: Methodist Girl School. ]]

yes i did. my dad =(

2009-12-16T13:20:00.005+08:00

Dad send me an email. Apparently he wants me to be an actress.

[[ Dear PSPA members and friends,

Dr. Wong Seak Khoon, Head of Medical Programme, Universiti Kuala Lumpur Royal College of Medicine Perak; is looking for actors.

Requirements
30-40 people to act as patients for the medical students’ exam on the 5th January, 2010
The condition is that the actors must be above 17 i.e. students waiting for their SPM or STPM results or older.

The Job Description
To act as patients.
Basically the medical students are sitting for their Phase 2 exams and they will be examined on their ability to get the patient’s history as well as their physical examination skills.

Therefore the actors need to play the role of these “patients”, either as patients who give a history of their “illnesses” or to allow the students to examine them.

Payment
RM100 - for 2 sessions
RM150 - for 3 sessions

Venue and Time
The venue will be at the college: Royal College of Medicine Perak, which is the building opposite the EPF building and next to the Federal Building on Jln Greentown.

5th January, 2010

8am – 1.15pm (2 sessions) or 8am – 4.45pm (3 sessions).

Refreshments will be provided and those who are willing to stay for the afternoon session, lunch will be provided too.

Contact and Closing Date for Application
Dr Wong: 019-5718818
skwong@rcmp.unikl.edu.my

Contact Dr Wong before Christmas because of the need to go through the “script” with those who are pretending to be patients.

Thank you for your time and attention, and please do pass the word along to others who might be interested.

Regards,
Sylvia ]]

PSPA stand for Perak Society Performing Arts and look, they have script too. basically i have to lie there, be like A Patient, read out my symptoms and let the students to figure out what is wrong with me. its like a guessing game you see.

*yell* NOT FUNNY DAD, I AM NOT DOING THIS. HAVE YOU EVER CROSS YOUR MIND THAT THEY WILL TOUCH ME ON THE BED!

HAHA.

and oh

i like this line : '' Girl with ass like mine don't talk to guys with face like yours. '' LOL.

2009-12-10T10:39:00.002+08:00

2009-12-04T09:15:00.004+08:00

i like the feeling when i cuddle my bolsters and pillows on my bed right after i am awake. i like the smell of breakfast being served on the dining table. the smell of good food. the extra care and service you get at home when you are having your major exam. and oh the chicken essence, you wish you will never pour that down your throat after the 8th this month baby.

i woke up at either tepat tepat 2am or 3am sharp this few weeks. seriously. no alarm or mother's voice. its ~~pretty~~very scary seeing the strong wind of my fan that makes my curtain and papers on the wall move. imagine it is a rainy day, like some sort of horror movie huh. i dont like getting down my bed during midnight, which i always have to, because i have more-than-you numbers of pillows and bolsters and blankets on my literally-bigger-than-a single bed (customized). things still do dropped ok.

and oh do you want to know the biggest fear of mine? its cockroach. i was sleeping on the floor in my parents' room the other night and i felt something crawling on my back beneath my oversized shirt. (yes baby. i can hear you laughing) it was dark. i jumped like a mad woman and all the way to my living room, i jumped on the couch. i saw this ugly tiny creature drop from my shirt. i cry for mom. yes i cant whack a cockroach and i'm 17. bite me. i wash and scrub my back and every corner of my delicate body with a brand new Dettol soap. i bought a bottle of cockroach spray. and and i put my bible next to me when i sleep. no, God dont fight cockroach. bible is for emotionally comfort and emergency like, throwing it to a cockroach.(dont be mad at me Jesus) wtf. my house is dirty. i swear i wont sleep on the floor ever again. and i swear i will mop my room everyday. i swear.

i lost a few of my good friends during the exam btw. its awkward too when i have to sit next to her during exam. f. go figure .yes i am childish. and idontwannafriendyou now.

2009-11-12T15:30:00.002+08:00

I'm happy that I found the guy who laughs at my stupid jokes, puts up with my bitchy moods, goes along with my craziest ideas and still sees the best in me.

or maybe not.

2009-11-12T15:27:00.002+08:00

i feels like shit.

2009-11-09T15:05:00.003+08:00

i told mom this morning i want to have those red porridge i used to eat when i was in primary.

when i reached home, and i sat down in front of my pc, i found a note under my mouse, it says

''seedless grapes in the fridge. porridge is not red because market dont have dried octopus. u konw dried octopus make the porridge red! ha!ha! ''

okay. may not seems funny to you. but it does to me. so yea.

2009-11-03T15:07:00.003+08:00

a quick update :

oh boy oh boy oh boy. she cried because of me. crap. what did i do =( 14more days to spm. don't cry don't cry. ahhh..i buy you lolipop ok.

jessie mengying me are heading to the library after school tomorrow.

'' no tuition for the entire week ''. very smart. last notice. hat off la i.

i am soh gonna get a
hamster again after spm. screw the bloody asthma.

2009-10-25T18:14:00.002+08:00

you know the bloody video someone linked over to facebook, i can't recall what is the title of it but it is about this girl making herself vomit and eating the crap and vomit it out again. there is a gold colour basin and a white candle infront of her. she stuffed her whole hand into her mouth. man..she has a mouth which can stuffed two burgers in it. she puke like water pipe. the image of her doing it is now stucked in my mind. i cant sleep the whole night because of her. french toast. she left me with traumas. not funny.

2009-10-25T04:35:00.003+08:00

*pinky finger* No more stupid arguments 'aite. I am tired. and sleepy too.

2009-10-16T15:48:00.003+08:00

i think of you today. There is something i would like to tell you. Wait, i think i DID told you to your face once. Well...you never listen don't you? I told you we are CIVILIZED people, we communicate with facts. I get FREE education from the government, therefore i am well behaved in the state law and not to BITE your ass. Didn't I asked you to find out before questioning me? Didn't I told you to say what is in your mind? Just straight up to me.You don't have to waste my very precious time to make a big U-turn talking about my *ass and *boobs in front of the rest of the soldiers. I do respect you.*French.Really I DO. For things you have AT LEAST TRY HELPING. I *french *toast know that you will read my blog. Yea. And lastly,I guess you won't be seeing me so often from now on. Good luck in getting the number big.

* words have been replaced.

this is carmen the meanie. the back-side of me. i was study and letting my restaurant city to run and wa-la I think of you. how wonderful is that. this dont happen everyday you know. be grateful darling.

hm. i've stick notes on my walls. '' Chemistry color(Qualitatives analysis)''..''Dictionary(Pendidikan Moral-Definisi)'' ..''Nabi's Story''..oh yea. did i mention i have a 3-inch thick arch file with different state trials question papers in it which has to be all complete by tuesday? next tuesday.

*turning back my clock*-literally. =S

2009-10-14T13:00:00.000+08:00

sick. =S

2009-10-10T21:53:00.002+08:00

i went to jj with bryan and my ol faithful driver, sze ngou. =P how great it is if msia gov did not censor anything from this movie. xD

♥ today.

2009-10-09T20:00:00.013+08:00

don't say yes when you know you can't make it a yes. why say a yes at the beginning when you already know it is a no? you don't have to say yes to make my day, really. because you've made it worst now. you know, this is like making babies, promises are easy to make, but it is hard to deliver and take good care of it. be responsible! asshole.

@!&%*$^#@*#%&@%!$*%^#!@^*

for a moment she look like Micheal Jackson to me. for a moment i thought i am watching 007 movie. i still adore her. she look so.....previous era? =S

2009-10-09T16:30:00.009+08:00

i ♥ Lenka.
and Bryan is in Taiping =.=

the happy ending after 6 years.

2009-09-28T11:22:00.018+08:00

fairy tales says 'live happily ever after'.

that's Han after work
the hen night, i mean uh bachelorette party.
i want a stripper for mine. seriously. i don't want mee goreng and curry anymore.
me and kristeen
mommy, kristeen, and fair boy
brother and sisters
the family portrait
mom and daughter and pretty wallpaper.

the dinner

James and Jin

father and teary bride

Jin and her final one, Weng onn
wondering where is the bridegroom?

yea. beauty and the beast. its always like that isnt?
she is my very close cousin sister from my dad side. she is 29. he is a business man who always ask me about boyfriend.

2009-09-25T19:58:00.002+08:00

supposed to buy my masquarade, supposed to go shopping like really buying stuff not window shopping, literally one. supposed to meet up with him and her.
hmm.
supposed to bring my books here.

2009-09-22T12:37:00.003+08:00

*shout* Seriously, I don't want to go to KL. I'm gonna miss that party. I'm gonna miss church. UGH. My SHORT HAIR! can someone tell me, it will grow back to my previous length by Monday? =S *pull hair*

'' he is incredibly extremely very very good looking '' =P

btw listen to this : Amanda Seyfried - Thank You For The Music

2009-09-17T17:10:00.002+08:00

Stuck With Each Other by Shontelle ft. Akon

2009-09-12T19:47:00.002+08:00

Another day
Without your smile
Another day just passes by
But now I know
How much it means
For you to stay
Right here with me

The time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger
But it hurt so bad I can't take it any longer

I wanna grow old with you
I wanna die lying in your arms
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna be looking in your eyes
I wanna be there for you
Sharing everything you do
I wanna grow old with you

A thousand miles between us now
It causes me to wonder how
Our love tonight remains so strong
It makes our risk right all along

Things can come and go I know but
Baby I believe
Something's burning strong between us
Makes it clear to me

2009-09-09T18:29:00.003+08:00

she is just 6.
and I want to have a kid like her.

tomorrow is Bio. then there will be EST then Chem then Physics then then then. I skip school today, I stay on bed basically the whole day. I thought I shall be the good girl of the day and eat up my bio crap. Instead I end up... *looking for my bio book*

2009-09-05T11:23:00.001+08:00

to all form 5 =)

smile for exam.

2009-08-31T10:40:00.004+08:00

THE BLOODY TRIALS IS TOMORROW.

i'm heading church for group study at 12pm later today and all the way until 11pm tonight.

THE BLOODY TRIALS and HAPPY NATIONAL DAY?

2009-08-28T22:55:00.002+08:00

hmm... points taken. i need you.

Pn.Normaria.

2009-08-21T15:20:00.004+08:00

There, my add math teacher( the green) ...

had left us...

for a promotion in Anderson.
And so....this is for her.

*photos from: lim karmun.

Jelly Beans. Do you still remember?

2009-08-16T19:52:00.002+08:00

I went to Shen Jai today with the rest of them. It was their 50th anniversary and so they are having fun fair. It wasn't really much enjoyable for me. I didn't know what to do there. I somehow bumps into a few old friends though.

I'm tired.

With whatever that has been lingered around my mind for these few days.
With that bloody word.
With that ugly argument mom had with Datin.
With...

Myself and jelly beans.

I used to love it so much until to the point where I give it to my friends for their birthdays. I'll put it in a small pretty glass with ribbons tying around it and then i'll enclosed it with love and kissses. Do you still remember?

I used to be the one you think I am and I'm trying hard to be the one right now. Just give me some time okay...

I'm really tired now.

abcdef

2009-08-14T16:08:00.002+08:00

i don't like today. i seriously do not like it at all. most of all, i don't like you and your big mouth.

2009-08-11T15:58:00.002+08:00

His & Her favorite colour.

and so everyone is with their mask.

2009-08-10T09:35:00.003+08:00

I didn't go to school today. I practically kissed the toilet bowl a couple of times. Yes world, I puked. I felt awful. I tasted awful. And so I crawl to lie flat infront of my pc after that.

He buzzed me. It was such a long time since we share a proper conversation. It was always me who go to him with tears. This time, its kinda different. I've never expect vice versa scenario. He joined my newly-found club for *cough cough cough*. Slowly drifting *cough cough* apart. It is sad seeing all this things happening within us. Within the *cough cough*. Can't people just be themselves? Being who you really are?
His 25th birthday is next week and I'm giving him this - a conversation box with red ribbons around aite=] this is my present for you. do add in words and time for me. no expire date =]

✿

Tomorrow is Tuesday! =) =)

2009-08-05T13:03:00.003+08:00

Sweet Dreams and Kisses.

hugs and kisses,

bee.

I Love You.

its all good <3

2009-07-31T19:44:00.013+08:00

I would like to wear this ( its Ed Hardy!! )

and spend the rest of the day riding in this
then I will submerge myself in a big car so that no one could see me driving

Then I will wait for the warm water to overflow my bathtub and play with my cute little yellow ducky there.
This may seem silly but this is like one of the dream items I've always ALWAYS wanted.

after that long and relaxing bath, I'll dive into this for my hibernation

and oh, he is sick. =(

mow them all down.

2009-07-29T14:56:00.000+08:00

Me: I believe in fortune cookies...
S: They (the cookies) are about to die (be eaten) why tell the truth?
Me: A moment of clarity before death.

I'm that idiot that hopes for the best in everything.

2009-07-28T16:39:00.004+08:00

"Oops. I guess I've spill green paint all over you. :p

And you are not even mad at me, but just smiling and putting white paint all over me."

hugs and kisses,

from bee.

its enjoyable being around you.

2009-07-28T15:23:00.000+08:00

2009-07-25T10:05:00.002+08:00

uh. things had happened. bad things. really bad.
I don't know where to start or maybe it is just me who doesn't wish to speak.
Kenneth had once told me about the silver lining. He said, no matter how bad things can be, there is always a silver lining between the dark clouds yada yada yada... I believe what he said, I really do. In fact, I already know about it before he told me. Right now, what is left to be fill in me is.....

I still believe in silver linings and guardian angels. It is just that, sometimes it does matter on how thick and thin the line is, to keep on having that faith.

Bee, I think you are the silver lining.

2009-07-07T16:12:00.005+08:00

Carmen says: so..lesson learnt today : '' never take shortcuts if you have huge butt''

Gideon - I Will Never Walk Alone In This Journey. says:
haha...
ukur punggung sendiri sebelum memakai seluar
( inside joke)

i like this picture. the lighting. and the way it shines on the girl's hair and through the red balloons :)

*

the whole thing was awkward. where is the warm look you used to give me?

the answer.

2009-07-03T16:26:00.005+08:00

I'm sorry for what i have said. i was really tired and i have a lot of work to do. i never thought you still have that in mind. how i wish that you didn't question me earlier and probably everything will be fine right now. Probably I would have forget about that.
the incident on Monday, yea, I'm was really angry with you and that's the reason I walked away. I thought you are supposed to be listening instead of spreading lies and rumors among your friends. you used to owned all my 'trustworthy' towards you.
I'm sorry again for that moment when you return it to me. i should have leave it and not to throw. i know how much it hurts you.
i shouldn't let that dreaded silence goes on for such a long time. i wanted to say something, really. but i just don't know how to bring myself up to even look at you after all you had done.
i tried to smile to you when our friend bring you along when she talked to me. I don't know what is in your mind, i don't like it when a smile is not return back with something soothe. Therefore, I didn't take the risk.

*you are online. now what?*

and damnit! Don't say 'nothing' when there is obviuosly something!

* close my eyes and take a deep breath*

You just wasn't there when I need someone the most.

the answer is gonna be yes you are still my friend for now and until...well i don't know.

2009-06-28T22:15:00.003+08:00

“Sex is full of lies. The body tries to tell the truth. But, it's usually too battered with rules to be heard, and bound with pretenses so it can hardly move. We cripple ourselves with lies.”

i hate to say this but, : ''Just go and tell your friend a lie. If he keeps it secret, then tell him the truth.'' And the truth is from now i cant believe you.

CHEW YEN YEE.

2009-06-19T16:37:00.004+08:00

you talked to me when i first transferred to Mgs.
then i got to know you are in the same kindergarden class with me.
then..
then..
i supposed we clicked. haha.

Happy 17th bday to you girl =] ( i know you love purpleee)

2009-06-18T22:42:00.004+08:00

i sold my invite. i sold my invite.i sold my invite. i sold my invite.i sold my invite. i sold my invite.i sold my invite. i sold my invite.i sold my invite. i sold my invite.i sold my invite. i sold my invite.to the prom. *evil smile.*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orajgUdI6S4
this song is playing over and over again from my speaker. =] and oh, i'm going to the Sleeping Beauty Ballet Concert =] =] and and i bumps into the two of you =3

2009-06-17T15:33:00.002+08:00

I have to. Yea. Have to.

I Have To Go The Prom. Because I Stinks And Nobody Likes Me Therefore Nobody Want To Buy My Very-Low-Price Invite-To-The-Prom-Card.
Uh. I Need Heels. I'm 17, girl. And i'm asking for a pair of heels. I'm pathetic, yes. And and i need bath. A long one. =(

2009-06-14T19:27:00.001+08:00

Do smile no matter what, please.

2009-06-12T08:17:00.001+08:00

i'm a total bitch when i'm dead tired and hungry.
i'm sorry.

2009-06-08T21:40:00.001+08:00

back from Genting

Spell the word, P-U-B.

2009-06-06T09:17:00.002+08:00

So what if i've been there?!

Okay, screw that.

Wait I hear something.
*looking for the source of that song*
*put on ear piece*
owh.okay. Adriann's profile with Mika. =D

You know what is the saddest thing can ever happen to you during the holiday?
- You have only RM 60 in your purse and you are going to Genting. Your parents and uncles and aunties are ditching you for ~~casino~~ their own pleasure. So you plan to do some lone-shopping and cross your finger that you will find the right heels for the prom.
- Your Pc is lagging. You scan it. And guess what you will get? 34 of Trojan, Virus, Worms and something called Buffer Overflow. Howtoonlinelikethat!? Be reminded, you only have 60 bucks, you cant afford to call your usual technician. How how how. Oh so you are super lucky to have a friend who works in that field, my case - Gideon. So, now..Giddddeeeoonnnn whheeennnn aareeee youuuu comiinnnggg?
- Your mom came into your room one fine morning and cAUGHT you with a jar full of M&M. She grab a few piece and throw into her mouth, she walk out your room with YOUR jar, saying that it will triger your asthma. So, there goes your breakfast for the day, food to cheer you up. Talking about M&M can I quote the emo : '' WHAT ARE YOU TELLING ME? THERE ARE SO MANY COLOURSSS? ''
- You basically spent the whole day in Jusco. You walk aroud Jusco as if you are checking their stocks or something. Good thing? You are with your best friendS.
- Your house is noisy, you cant have your peaceful night. Your talk-a-lot aunty is back.
- Your where-your-rib-cage-meet hurts ALOT. I mean ALOT. and not the first time and you feel like puking right now.

SIAPA KATA TERMINATOR VERY NICE?
CRAP. let's just say, robots, and 'eel-terminator' and Mat Rempit look-alike machine is not my type.

p/s : Dont ask me how i get to online now.
pp/s : I MISS YOU TOOO!! *BIGGEST HUGS EVERRR*

2009-05-31T07:45:00.003+08:00

I dont want to get up from my bed. It feels like a cocoon. I get comfort and safety. I like that feeling - lie on bed after bath.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aln-zOWc9mg

Just a tiny table of conversation. :)

2009-05-28T23:53:00.002+08:00

saya rasa macam ini sekarang.

tiny weeny little colourful paper umbrellas thrown to clear blue sky with grey clouds :)

Far too Much

2009-05-28T17:30:00.004+08:00

School Graduation Night themes :
(i) Under the Sea
(ii) Disney Masquerade
(iii) Enchanted *recalling* er Forest ?
Choice made : (ii) Disney Masquerade

19th of June :
(i) Yen Yee's birthday
(ii) School Ballet Concert
(iii) Prom
Choice made : (iv) *Try to divide myself into 3pieces, attempt failed* Get Rotten on bed.

i had a special thing with the number 19. Seriously.

Right Now.

2009-05-27T16:15:00.004+08:00

~~WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU??!~~
This is story i read years back from a magazine. I think it goes like this..

Out of Tune With Zach.=]

Music had always been a big part of my life, so when i became a mother, singing to my baby came as naturally to me as kissing his sweet head. Every day i would sing to Zach : lullabies, nursery rhymes and oldies that my mother had sung to me.
We'd snuggle into our favorite chair, and as I serenaded him, he would gaze deeply into my eyes, his tiny hand upon my skin. Zach loved it and would coo along with me before he could even talk.
Then, suddenly, at about the age of three, he stopped liking it. Each time I started to sing. Zach would cry. The lullabies and softer tunes would set him off. He'd wail loudly and atonally. So i stopped.
But every few months or so, i'd try again, hoping against hope that it had just been ''a phase.'' No way.
I was devastated. Never before had i made anyone cry because of my music.
Some days this felt like the worst rejection i had ever known. He wasnt pushing the music - he was pushing me away. His reaction stung, like a slap.
I should mention, however, that Zach is mildly autistic. Although he is high on the functioning scale, he has many challenges. One if the physical disorders Zach copes with is '' hypersensitivity''. This means that he hears, sees, smells and tastes more intensely than others do.
Naturally I used Zach's hypersensitivity hearing to help rationalise his acute reaction to my singing. As the years passed, though, Zach developed a love for pop music, begging me to find rock 'n' roll stations on the radio whenever we were in the car. That music didnt seem to bother him. On the contrary! The louder the better.
When it was time for Zach to go to bed, i'd say, '' Why dont you choose a song for us to sing?'' He'd select a jazzy version of '' Eensy Weensy Spider'' but never the exquissite '' The Lion Sleeps Tonight'' or, heaven forbid, '' Hush , Little Baby.'' Once a year or so, i'd ask him why he cried when i sang, but the answer was always the same : '' i dont know''.
Two years ago, on the eve of Valentine's Day, i was putting Zach, then seven, to bed, talking about the next day when his school class would exchange cards.
He was very excited, but couldnt settle on sending just one. '' Mum, you know, ireally like Joey, but i also like Haley.''
i replied, '' it's ok to like a lot of different people, dear.''
'' but, mum,'' Zach protested, '' i want you to be my real Valentine.''
Iwas so touched. '' Zach...'' I answered.
Without thinking, i started to sing one of my favorite old standards :
'' My funny Valentine, sweet comic
Valentine, you make me smile with
with my heart...''
i never made it to the second line. zach buried his face in his pillow and started to cry.
Of course, i stopped singing immediately, but i felt terrible. Wordlessly, i held him in my arms and rocked him gently. After a while he stopped crying.
'' Zach, '' i said. '' i want you to take as much time as you need, but tryto tell me why you cry when i sing to you.''
We stayed quiet for a very long time, and then Zach quietly said, '' Mum, it's too beautiful.''
i had wrongly assumed that Zach's reaction was the result of his ''challenges'' when it was just my son being himself - a very much like me. A touching song on the car radio can have me tearing up to thr point where i have to pull over and wait till it;s done. That elevated, chocked-up feeling can occur without warning: at a school play, while watching an awards show, or at night when my husband and i go in look at our sleeping angel - our sweet, sensitive son.

i enjoy typing stories here now. =S
i felt like digging a big and deep and dark hole infront of me and dive into it today.
for long moment, i felt that, things i;m doing right now, doesnt paid off. It's not worth it. Thought of stopping it and giving up. damn. i hate today.

I say: i just feel like..lost and tiring with everything i am doing

15:35:49*unicef Jessie *unicef So Addicted To Twilight .. says: its okie

15:35:59*unicef Jessie *unicef So Addicted To Twilight .. says: everybody feel that way once in a while

15:36:03*unicef Jessie *unicef So Addicted To Twilight .. says: even me.

My Forever Valentine.

2009-05-24T18:55:00.009+08:00

The traditional holidays in our house when i was a child were spending timing elaborate meals around the football games. My father tried to make pleasant chitchat and eat as much as he could during halftime. At Christmas he found time to have a cup or two of holiday cheer and don his holly-shaped bow tie. But he didnt truly shine until Valentine's Day.
I dont know whether it was because work at the office slowed during February or because the football season is over. But Valentine's Day was the time my father chose to show hos love for the special people in his life. Over the years I fondly thought of him as my ''Valentine Man''.
My first recollection of the magic he could bring to Valentine's Day came when i was six. That morning at the breakfast table i found a card and a gift-wrapped package at my chair. The card was signed '' Love, Dad,'' and the gift was a gold pendant of a dolphin. I remember wearing that pendant along with a silver necklace and with a pride that all cards in the world could not surpass.
As i grew older, the gifts gave way to heart-shaped boxes filled with my favorite chocolates and always included a special card signed '' Love, Dad.'' In those years my thank-yous became more perfunctory. The cards seemed less important, and i took granted the valentine that would always be there. I had placed my hopes and dreams in receiving cards and gifts from ''significant others,'' and ''Love, Dad'' just didnt seem quite enough.
My mailbox eventually had a rural address, and the job of hand-delivering candy and cards was relegated to the U.S Postal Service. Never in ten years was my father's package later -- nor was it on Valentine's Day eight years ago when i reached into the mailbox to find a card addressed to me in my mother's handwriting.
It was the kind of card that comes in an assortment box sold by a child going door-to-door to earn money for school project. It was the kind of card you used to get from a grandmother or an aging aunt or, in this case, a dying father. It was the kind of card that put a lump in yr throat and tears in yr eyes because you knew the person could no longer go out and buy a real valentine. It was a card that signaled this would be the last you would receive from him .
The card had a photograph of tulips on the outside, and on the inside my mother had printed '' Happy Valentine's Day''. Beneath it, scrawled in barely legible handwriting, was '' Love, Dad.''
His final card remains on my bulletin board today. It's a reminder of how special fathers can be and how important it has been to me over the years to know that I had a father who continued a tradition of love with a generosity of spirit, simple acts of understanding and an ablity to express happiness over the people in his life.
Those things never die, nor does the memory of a man who never stopped being my valentine.
*

this is just a partially-non fiction story that was inspired by my dad. The dolphin pendant was the real part and yes, he does leave those msg on my table. And why the story? I kinda got bored of blogging for a moment, '' why should i post about today? it my personal life. '' has crossed my mind. Anyway, I think I'm gonna go on. Getting munnniee from Nuffnang! LOL.

okok. so it wasnt ' Love, Dad.'' and it wasnt a happy Valentine. So what? lol. *stretch hand* nah bite. lol.

I've watched '' Night at the Museum 2'' dengan Bryan Chan. It was a Okay-rated one. Third row from the screen, *paling my head* thank goodness didnt get stiff neck.

um.i just talked to nicholas after...um...MONTHS??!!and um.. I just took Jessie and Bryan's quiz in facebook.
results was depressing. i thought i know them well. haha. nevermind.
and oh, i spend few hours in JJ earlier with the youth from church. Which i basically did nothing there. Wait.. after that, i did played Monopoly with tinywiny peter chin, bryan and jessie XD

updates.

2009-05-13T14:53:00.004+08:00

. this is the third day of my midyear exam. and i had a really really bad feeling for my history paper and my chem paper, which is tomorrow.

.. i need a new phone. seriously.

... i need someone to tell me saying 'You are freaking annoying' is okay.

.... is getting an alarm clock. i somehow almost throw my phone away because its waking me up at 4 in the morning without me setting the alarm. ugh.

..... Lancome's Treson smells like old women.

....... havent pass up moral and add math folio.

....... is playing ' Quando Quando Quando' by Nelly Furtado and Micheal Buble for the thousand time.

........ is jealous of your brain.

2009-04-24T09:06:00.002+08:00

skipped school. is having fever and joint pain for more than a week. it comes and goes. doc said if it doesnt go thoroughly by this afternoon, i would have to go for blood test.

2009-04-22T20:46:00.005+08:00

is sick.
i'm searching for some stuff for my sivik project, it's been forever. And well, i ended up here. Mid year exam is just less than two weeks time I supposed. *hug monitor*

jaw dropped

2009-04-18T21:58:00.001+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY
dont judge a book by it's cover eh? :)

2009-04-17T22:51:00.001+08:00

from rachel's facebook. *throw orange shorts away*

Mono :)

2009-04-17T19:32:00.004+08:00

was flipping through the newspaper the other day, and i came across this picture which kept me for some time. Mono is japanese post-rock band by the way.

2.24 :)

it's rains because you are crying..

2009-04-10T22:58:00.005+08:00

songs craved in mind currently.

not the best video, in fact it's kinda dumb in certain particular part, just love the song. =]